Quotes: White Collar (1x03, "Book of Hours")

More quotes from White Collar.
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Season 1, Episode 3: "Book of Hours"
Written by: Tom Garrigus

Neal helps Peter recover a medieval book of hours stolen from a church "sponsored" by a mobster.

Neal: Can you please?
Mozzie: Yes, I’ll take it back to the lab, run some tests.
Neal: You don’t have a lab, you have a storage unit.
Mozzie: Semantics.

Peter: Nobody in this church caught the flu.
Neal: It’s true.
Peter: Why these guys and not the church down the block? Because of a book? Tough to swallow.
Neal: Thought you’re a Catholic?
Peter: Lapsed.
Neal: Oh. So you don’t think some higher power could’ve saved the congregation?
Peter: Well, I’m more inclined to think they kept the doors shut and loaded up on Vitamin C.
Neal: Maybe God works with what He’s got.
Peter: Then God said, "shut thine doors and eat thine oranges"?
Neal: Why not?
Peter: All right, look. When they dug up King Tut, everybody made such a big deal out of the curse of the pharaoh.
Neal: Yeah, two dozen people who entered the tomb ended up dead.
Peter: Yeah, they probably caught some old bacterial infection. Germs. There’s your divine intervention.
Neal: God can use bacteria.
Peter: I prefer my miracles with more smiting and lightning.

Neal: Problems getting in?
Mozzie: None. He thinks I’m swabbing toilets. Figure we’ve got about 10 minutes until he gets curious.
Neal: Why? Is that the standard toilet-swabbing time?
Mozzie: Yes, that’s exactly what it is.
Neal: Hey, you look pretty comfortable in that FBI windbreaker. Maybe it’s time to consider a new career path.
Mozzie: No, I prefer to keep my soul.

Peter [to Neal]: She’s lying about Paul and she’s two degrees away from our homeless guy. But I also have trouble buying the fact than an attractive history professor offed a mobster.
Elizabeth [enters the house, angrily talking to someone on the phone]: No, you don’t want me to see the missing inventory because if I come down there, there’s gonna be a lot more missing than centerpieces, you got that?
Peter: Okay, maybe it’s not a complete stretch.
Elizabeth: Hey guys.
Neal: Hi.
Elizabeth: Sorry… uhm… it’s just my vendor.
Peter: No, it’s fine. We’re just trying to decide if a woman is capable of murder.
Elizabeth: Oh I think so.

Neal: There’s this story about these two spies: French duke and Italian count. They’re sworn enemies who spent the whole year trying to trick each other but on New Year’s eve, they got to ask one question that the other had to answer truthfully.
Maria: Yes. The trick was asking the right question because you may never get another chance.
Neal: I always said honesty is a more challenging game.
Jones [in the surveillance van]: “Honesty is a more challenging game”? Geez, how come my dates don’t go like this?
Peter: Because you don’t say things like “honesty is a more challenging game”.
Cruz: It’s because nobody actually talks like that.
Peter: They do in Neal Caffrey’s world.

Neal: It’s a pleasure doing business with you.
Maria [pulls a gun out and points it at Neal]: You’ll never know how much pleasure it could’ve been.
Neal: You know, I had a feeling all that lovey dovey stuff last night was BS.
Maria: Next time, you should trust your instincts.
Neal: Oh. Oh I did. Clip. I lifted it when I patted you down.
Maria: You forgot the one in the chamber.
Neal: Damn it. I’ve never been a gun guy.
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Cast: Matt Bomer as Neal Caffrey, Tim DeKay as Peter Burke, Willie Garson as Mozzie, Tiffani Thiessen as Elizabeth Burke, and Callie Thorne as Maria Fiametta